Setting Boundaries

So, how do I say no to sexual pressure?

Set your boundaries firmly in your own mind and heart ahead of time. It is a good idea to write down your reasons for waiting, and read them over to remind yourself before you go out.

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(here is a print out to help you write out your boundaries)

Explain to the person you care about your boundaries and the limits you choose to place on physical affection. Be clear and confident. Don’t feel intimidated. You are worth it!

Give reasons for your limits. This is to help the other person understand, but not because you have to defend them. If s/he doesn’t agree or tries to talk you out of it, be respectful but firm.

Resist the pressure to change or compromise your standards. Someone who loves you and is worth your love will rise to the occasion. If s/he tries to pressure you:

Repeat your principles.
Return the challenge to the other person. “Why are you pressuring me…?”
Redirect the discussion. Suggest an alternative activity or topic of conversation.
Refuse to discuss it anymore. Walk away and go do something else, for instance, the alternative activity you suggested above. Invite the other person to join you.
Realize that if the person is a good friend, s/he will remain so even if you say NO. If not, it wasn’t a real friendship to begin with.

Make sure that your body language and your “clothes language” match your messages. Don’t mix NO with messages that suggest YES or MAYBE.

Choose places and environments that will support your choice to be abstinent and keep you safe, in case the other person chooses not to respect you and you need to leave.

If you and/or your date do start to go too far or get aroused, stop. Don’t be pressured to “finish what you started.” It is better to avoid those situations in the first place, but under no circumstances are you obligated to give in to sex just because it is difficult to stop. It may be difficult, but it is not impossible.

If need be, use force to push the other person off of you. Sex without consent is a crime, even if one person originally “led the other on.”